Lurking Emotions

I’ve had an emotion lurking for quite some time that has been hard to quantify. But I certainly know how it manifests. Every time, in the last few months, when the conversation gets close to the topic of Africa, Rachel and I try to divert the topic somewhere else. When we get cornered into it, we give a brief summary, leaving out that we’re committing 5 years. Usually that strategy works and most people then ask “what are you doing with the dog?”

Why are we having this reaction?

At first it seemed like we wanted to avoid the humble brag.

Then it felt like it was all people wanted to talk about and it was dominating our lives.

Now, at least for me, it’s morphed into something else much more emotional.

We’re in this weird place where all our hopes and dreams have come true: I’ve finished residency, we found great community and friends in Spokane, Rachel feels more actualized in her job than ever, we have an exciting future and all the church bureaucracy seems to be working in our favor currently. There should be nothing but excitement, right?

Yesterday morning at 4 AM, Rachel said goodbye to her sister Becca. There was crying, as expected, but it still somehow caught me off guard. The gravity of the situation started to weigh on me: Every interaction for the next 2 months is going to be complicated by the “sad goodbye.” We won’t know when, where, or how we will see any of these people again. The realities of growing apart, forgetting to write, and diverging paths are more and more apparent.

It has been very strange to be in transition for the last few months. All of our dreams and aspirations are nearer than ever, but I also feel compelled to look back at all the things we love and have to leave. We stand to gain so much, but the loss is much more present and palpable.

Today we started mission institute at Andrews, surrounded by experienced and seasoned missionaries. We are clearly the amateurs in the group, since we haven’t been to our field yet. It is impressive how our peers really have different the questions and conversations. The struggles and conflict I experience are implicitly acknowledged and validated. It’s like peeking into our own future. We really are going to be different people in a few short years.